Architecture and Me

I dedicate this article for all those student architects out there, who feel like they don’t fit in, feel like they want to give up…

 ( Written By Chitra )

(Disclaimer : everything written here is my personal experience and i do not blame anyone or any event for the way i felt. So please take it in that sence! im just a girl spilling out my experience as a student Architect.)

PHASE  1

ME

I have always been ‘important’ ‘talented’ and ‘above average ‘ in school as far as I remember. But my mother begs to differ , I remember her saying she didn’t have any high hopes  for me about scoring good marks in my board exams. And inspite of  having trouble with maths I somehow managed a  9A+ grades and 1A grade.

Higher secondary School - pretty much the best years of my life.
Small School, Small Class, I was important, loved and the best part was I loved what I studied. Bio-math ! Labs and Text books , Tuitions and youth festivals, lecture notes , I was good in both curricular and extra curricular activities !

Being an Indian student, you always have this social pressure to be the best at everything you do. Being average was just not an option.
After bio math , I had infront of me, Engineering and Medicine, but I had made up my mind not to go with those options from highschool itself. It was just not my kind of buzz.

It was, after scoring 90% in 12^th and after a year of not knowing what to do, combined with a course of graphic design and animation, I attempted Nata (national aptitude test for architecture)

66^th rank in the entrance exam ! well, I must be born for this or something! I mean, there are 1000s writing this exam right ?

I was feeling pretty confident walking into my college. I had the 4^th highest rank in the class and I was feeling spectacular !

Everyone, I met there was the important person back there in their school lives. Talented , loved , creative, well appreciated and used to being the centre of attraction. It was like Nata was a test to sort out and bring together a lot of  “ that person” s’ – (that person :: people who got attention without trying. )

THE DOWNFALL

Things were going good at first but.. I don’t know, things just went downhill from there, the bigger they are the harder they fall right ? I fell from on top of mount Everest of being important to the deepest pits of being un-important.

I always went in to bad moods when I couldn’t reach the top, but deep down inside, I always felt if I try harder I could reach the very top. Maybe that’s why I felt I could be someone one day!

But now , here , getting noticed just escalated to a whole new level.
Me the friendly cheerfully  happy person , whom everyone liked at the end of the day, just turned into a mess!  Work load started piling up, loads of drawing , painting, ON-TIME submissions, a lot of COMPELLED CREATIVITY! It didn’t seem right! When I completed a piece of art I was supposed to feel good about it right ? But no I felt bad because everyone else was just that darn good!

everything just seemed so  “ not how its supposed to be! “

Then life started throwing me lemons!  At first I thought I could make lemonade but…

let me just list them out!

 1)The Codes of conduct

There where a lot of Crazy (unwritten) commandments I had to follow because I was a junior. They honestly made no sense to me. How am I supposed to react to all this ? I felt like I was from another planet! Things always got out of control as I was and am easily offended. Words always slipped my mouth at the wrongest of times!

2) The Archi fest

TheCraft festival that was supposed to be fun! I remember I was so super excited about this!
 I was the craft person back in school days right ? People envied the cute things I used to make !
My hand-made greeting cards where quite the  thing among  my friends as I recall it!
But here I couldn’t make anything…AT ALL!  I just couldn’t find the time ! And compelled creativity was just never my cup of tea! And i was really relieved when the seniors made me quit. But the toll I had to pay was a big one as my friends at that time where super unsupportive, and till this day my quitting 'the archi fest' remains a controversial issue.

3)Perks of being part of the Architectural students association

The "Trophy works" , Things that were supposed to look good on my internship portfolio the NASA,ZONASA  SSA things that were supposed to make me feel good, made me feel like I fit in!
Inspite working my ass off for LIK and ANDC, Thanks to my habit of going home everyweekend, I never got appreciated for the work I did, and I got the names “ Quitter “ and “ Undependable “.  This made an official “ Outcast” .

Nothing worked out for me! Nothing at all! At the end of the day I felt traumatised felt like a problem child. Things went terribly wrong, Friendships fell apart, I was challenged, made to compete, made to loose,  made to feel like I was worth nothing at all, I felt like a looser through and through. I felt alone, not good enough. I felt tortured.

ACADEMICS FOLLOWED….

The sleepless nights and the panic attacks after 5 am, and my work still incomplete.  Pen drafting. The torturous mechanics class after pulling an all nighter ! Flunking series !flunk an exam ? I was a freaking nerd!
No support at all in extracurricular work from teachers or the department. My singing wasn’t appreciated anymore! IS THIS HOW COLLEGE LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ?

______________________________________________

PHASE  2

THE CONFUSION

           

4 semesters, 5 drop-outs and 2 year-outs later. The strength of our class stabilised. Chaos and panic slowly settled down.  Everyone changed. Completely. Groups broke up, and the vibes at the hostel  got so very different.

I changed too. My tears dried out! There was a time I cried for anything and everything.
Maybe I don’t cry anymore because I don’t care anymore! Because nothing made sense to me! No one outside of architecture gets it, no one inside architecture cares! I felt like a bad mad person!


HEALING

Then this sem-break happened. ( we only get sem breaks on even semesters )

AND  I… had nothing to do For a change! Nothing at all ! I watched tv , ate , slept, and sat there staring blankly at my bedroom wall… I didn’t do anything! A sense of calm started settling in. Its been a while since I felt this calm, this right. I , I was not as bad as I thought I was! I was good. What is this feeling? I was ok. And that’s when I felt like I want to feel like this even during working days…


You know?  We are the only people who can help ourselves. If I need happiness I will just have to be ‘Effin’ happy .Its not something we are going to achieve tomorrow, or achieve when we have a lot of money! It’s a choice we make. Then I just stopped looking for happiness  and just became HAPPY. I know its easier said than done but I did it. I got the hang of everything, My works got finished on time. I was doing well I was doing good.

I was not on top of the class I was not in the border line either. I was just there , right in the middle. But its ok, its ok to be average. Its fine. Because I felt like a winner. Because I had PEACE.

Everyone has their way of coping up with situations,

some found Boyfriends/Girlfriends
some found Religion
some found new Friends
some found Home
some found Animes/TV Serials/Cartoons /Music/Movies
some found  Personal drama
some found Mobile phones
some found Wanderlust
some found Fashion
some found Sleep
and me ? I found MYSELF.

One thing about us humans is that, we learn to survive.  I accepted the fact that Architecture is hard and I am proud of my self for holding on. I  Appreciate myself, for caring, for being strong for me through all the allnighters, through the insults, the pain, the stress, pressure and competition.

If you are a student architect, and going through a rough patch, just take a few steps back , take a deep breath , cross your arms around you and give yourself a big hug, and tell yourself  ITS OK NOT TO BE OKAY, BUT I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU… BECAUSE I AM ALL I HAVE AND I AM ENOUGH.

And I will tell you like all those songs say! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! You don’t have to be perfect !
Architecure is one hell of a difficult course. And no one can clear a semester by being lazy. So stop being too hard on yourself.

 Find those little things that make you happy and keep on doing them, in spite of what others say ! You are good. You will be fine. DON’T EVER GIVE UP  ON YOURSELF!
Surround yourself with people you love. Don’t try too hard pleasing anyone or try and adjust. BE YOURSELF.

HOLD ON STUDENT ARCHITECT!

(special thanks to my mother for editing this article and for my good friends who have supported me through thick and thin and kept me from making the wrong decisions. )